18 April 2006
SETI League
PriUPS Project


I have discovered a new element.  This is not a naturally-occurring element, all of which have atomic numbers below 93.  Neither is it a transuranic, whose often fleeting existence is engendered by nuclear processes.  It's more like the legendary "Administratium," with its host of assistant and associate neutrons.  MY element, though, has extremely beneficial effects on the human organism, including the promotion of longer life and greater enjoyment of same. 

Just as many more transuranic elements can be created by the abrupt compression of a Plutonium (Pu) sphere, Salubrium (Sl) is produced in abundance by the compression of computer music files.  Apparently the way it works is that when you transfer files from your computer into your MP3 player, a quantity of Sl is transmitted along the USB cable as well, putting a reservoir of Sl into the portable device.  Once the MP3 player is imbued with this element, it emits an almost magical attraction to humans within range of its radiation, which somehow forces them to pick it up and embark on romps in the boskage.

Can I explain this?  Not entirely.  But I have been affected by it.  Before MP3s I would inevitably listen to my music indoors, performing activities that rarely involved such things as "fresh air" and "exercise."  Suddenly, I was eager to grab my reservoir of Salubrium and go for long walks, even to the extent of negotiating modest hills.  (The earphones on the MP3 player help mask the sound of heavy breathing and unpleasant grunting.)

Clearly more research is needed into this new element.  Just as many medical insurance plans encourage health club attendance with a periodic stipend, they should consider subsidizing MP3 players to investigate the effect of Sl on overall health.  It's been significant to mine, and if that can be extrapolated to the population at large then we'll have happier, healthier people and I won't have to work so hard for my Nobel prize.

Richard Factor